It's a whole different scene in Texas.

A hotel. Mahogany glossed walls. Red leather furniture. Halogen Lamps. Marble Floors. Candle Light. A pianist. Maserati's. BMW's. And Mercedes. One after the other. Espresso. Cappuccinos. Freshly Squeezed Orange juice. Prosecco. Bartenders in tuxedos and Waitresses in short blue dresses. Beverly Hills.

Sounds classy right?

Nothing ever is as it seems. Let me assure you of that.

2 girls enter the lobby. They are no older than 22 and their bodies are so emaciated that they have not developed past the age of 14, but at first glance, one might overlook their prepubescent appeal due to their double- D sized silicone breasts. Louis Vuitton bags hanging in the creases of their elbows (the only creases to be found anywhere on their bodies, mind you), sequined platforms weighing down their feathery, over tanned and probably unnaturally flexible little legs, and hair sprayed and curled stripper hair for days.

"We're from Texas." The blond one says condescendingly to the bartender. She is lost in her cell phone and is too busy to make eye contact as she establishes her position of power and financial prowess. "We used to bar tend, but now we work for our dad's. It's a really different scene in Texas." The brunette says punishingly as she peels a five dollar bill out of her Prada wallet and places it on the bar, smiling and insinuating just how much better her life is than his.

I am the server, thankful that these two didn't sit at one of my tables, I stand and watch out of the corner of my eye. They have secrets. I can tell. My arms are crossed behind my back and I have a smile on my face, but I am watching everything. I wonder if they know. I wonder how they really feel. What do their houses really look like? Do their father's know what their daughters are doing this 4th of July weekend? Why did these two prepubescent "heiresses" travel all the way to Beverly HIlls for the 4th of July weekend? It's not exactly what one would call a Mecca of patriotic celebration.

They shoot back their complementary Bellini's (a champagne and peach juice cocktail courtesy of the hotel for all guests who have just checked in) and I am surprised they don't ask for salt and a lime, but then again, they're from Texas, it's a really different scene out there.

And just like that out the doors they go, squealing as they greet Mr. Wong. I recognize Mr. Wong. He's a guest that has been staying at the hotel since it opened 3 weeks ago. I first became acquainted with him the day that I interviewed to work at this $750 a night hotel.

I waited at the front desk that day and spoke with the girl behind the counter who was not much younger than me and not much older than our prepubescent friends. It was while we were sharing our desire to make a difference in the world and how neither of us knew how we would eventually achieve that goal, that Mr. Wong strutted out of the elevator wearing yellow Ray Bans, a yellow cashmere cardigan and perfectly pressed white linen shorts. The matching yellow rosary he wears prominently around his neck assures him that God has his back. His own attitude is something he never worries about.

Before I could even thank my new friend behind the desk for her time, he pushed me out of the way. Housekeeping had been instructed to pick up ALL the dirty clothes OFF the floor in his room, but he found some socks under his bed! He was under the impression this was a five star hotel! It was in mid-sentence that his complaint came to a screeching halt. More important matters called. He noticed a mirror behind him and the reflection of his bulging calf muscle was enough to completely deter his focus just until the elevator doors opened and a blond and a brunette, wearing their club attire from the night before, greeted him giving him the Italian kind of hello. A kiss on each cheek with an ass grab, and all three went on the their marry way.

Mr. Wong clearly has a thing for the blond-brunette combo I think to myself 3 weeks later, after I am hired to work at this 5 star hotel and I watch the prepubescent duo limp out of the lobby due to the excessive weight of their Louis Vuitton purses and fall over into his Maserati.

I wonder how they know each other, but then my thoughts are distracted when a group of loud Spanish speaking men with unbuttoned neon shirts, loafers and Cartier watches strut through the doors. They go straight to the elevators and pose against their reflections as they wait to go up to their rooms. Mirrors are everywhere in this hotel. The people that stay here love to look at themselves, but surely only from a surface perspective.

My friend at the front desk calls me over and tells me that they would like me to bring a tray of Bellini's to their room. I collect the drinks from the bartender and stand in the elevator with blue velvet carpet as I wait to arrive at their floor. Mirrors surround me in the elevator. I can not escape the image of myself in uniform, holding a tray full of drinks.

I think to myself how strange hotels are. They are whatever you want them to be. A place to take vacations. A place to do business. A place to escape. A place to arrive. A place to make money. A place to lose money. A place to fulfill a fantasy. A place to tell a lie.

As I move upwards in this elevator I realize that today I am here to make money. I am a servant. But there was a time I rode upwards in an elevator towards a different destiny. Several different destinies in fact. Once a vacation with my family. Once a rendezvous with a man I thought I loved. Once to get ready for the wedding of my sister. How strange to realize the different roles we play in life and how our perspective shifts as a result.

I arrive at the door of the neon shirt wearing, boisterous Spanish men, I shake off my existential mind trip and I collect myself as I knock, wondering what I am about to see. I have never knocked on the door of strangers in a hotel before, knowing that I will be welcomed into their room. But, I know that when the door opens, I have my soul, and all I am doing is dropping off their drinks, what is there to fear?

I knock, the door opens, and the two men tell me to leave the tray of drinks. They don't tip me and they lay together, sharing a king sized bed. I leave the room and assume to me what seems to be the obvious. They are a couple and are on vacation. I leave hoping they enjoy their afternoon. I'm annoyed they didn't tip me, but clearly their not from the US and life goes on. I hope they're in love, I think to myself. That would make me feel better about life.

Now it is Sunday night, a few days later. The night before the 4th of July. The sun has not yet set, and the screeching wheels of a Masaratti catch my attention. In through the doors smack the Spaniards with the prepubescents in arms, like babies. Legs wrapped around the men's waste, they should have been sucking their thumbs, but then again, maybe they are saving that for later.

How did they meet I wonder? And I thought these men aren't into the female variety? The men look at me like I know something nobody else does. A quick look. A guilty glance, followed by an entitled order. "We want six of your best shots outside right now!" They stumble outside, giggling uncontrollably, pounding the keys of the grand lobby piano as they pass by, as if to let the world know they had arrived, and there is nothing anybody can do about it.

I rest my head against the wall as I wait for the bartender to make me their shots, wondering what the lesson I am supposed to learn from all of this is. The bartender places the 20 dollar shots down in front of me, I plaster a smile on my face as I carry the drinks outside. The girls are now draped across the laps of their dates, legs spread, with their 4g Iphones on the table, blasting Britney Spears latest hit. I place the drinks down, on fancy, Italian coasters, following the premium protocol, that somehow saves me from showing them how I truly feel.

"Are you married?" The brunette squeals out. Before I have a chance to answer, the blond knocks over her shot, just like a child spills their milk, and all of a sudden I feel like I work in a daycare. "No." I respond as I clean up her drink.

Then a neon Spaniard chimes in. "Well do you like guys with big teeth, because I have..." I cut him off. "No, I like guys with a big soul." Somehow feeling like I have triumphed.

Their laughter gets louder, but I feel better. The mere act of standing up for something is all one needs sometimes, regardless of whether or not the message appears to be received.

As I round the corner back to the bar, my friend from the front desk calls me over. "Hey, you know the deal with those two girls right?" She asks me.
"No." I reply.
"They're hookers."
"What?" I ask.
"Yeah, they're hookers. They've been here for three nights and different men have payed for their rooms every night. I'm pretty sure Mr. Wong is their pimp."

Me and Hector down by the Schoolyard.

I asked him if he carried a gun. He told me not anymore. If he gets caught with a gun one more time, he will go to prison for the rest of his life, and he can't afford for that to happen now that he has his four year old son. His four year old son, who is his pride and joy and reason for living. We don't have much longer to talk, me and the man who has been a part of a gang since he was 13. I'll call him Hector, because I don't know that he would like it if I shared his name, although I told him I wanted to share his story, and that's why I think he trusted me and that's also why I feel obligated to write this.

It’s my favorite part of LA. El Centro del Pueblo.That's where I've been doing my community service . A rec center for under privileged kids in Echo Park. Located on a street lined with murals of Quinceañeras and hip hoppers. And right down the way lives a park with a lake. A lake filled with floating odds and ends, where an enormous fountain spurts out of the middle, like the blowhole of a giant, air hungry whale. I like to imagine that in this park, where homeless couples sleep, an El Salvadorian man fishes, a shirtless, tattooed man plays catch with someone else’s child, and a group of Mexican guys in Cowboy hats play chess, a giant whale lives right beneath the surface of the water, exhaling with all his might, for all to acknowledge the beauty, the magic, and the originality of this part of town.

I just finished my 49 hour sentence yesterday. I made an illegal left hand turn and didn't pay the ticket in time and over the course of those 49 hours, I would say at least every hour that I've been community servicing, I've met some of the most interesting people a person could imagine. Angel, the 70 year old, Cuban ex-pat who always smells of cigars and reads tarot cards in between his Cuban Political meetings. Rudy, the Puerto Rican who just wants to find somebody to love, ever since he lost his wife five years ago. He claims he's been alone too long and he's sick of the hussies who just want to party all the time. Zeek, the half Jewish, half Mexican teenager who has a daughter and is an aspiring actor. He says he knows people who know people. And yesterday, I met Hector.

A black Dodger t- shirt with blue writing. Jean shorts. Bright white nikes. And a silver chain with a cross. He was on one side of the room and I was on the other. The only thing separating us was distance and carpet. A dormant slushie machine behind me and a slumbering TV behind him. We are both the favorites of the community service kids. All the other ones have to go down to neighboring South Central to clean. You know South Central, LA? Where like Ice Cube said, "they say the strong survive, but shit, in South Central, the strong even die." Hector and I get to sit in the front office and greet the people who come in off the streets looking for help. In the moments between crying grandmothers longing for their children to fill their empty homes, young fathers looking to find classes on parenting, and teenagers struggling with addiction and pregnancy, Hector and I get to talking.

I am a privileged white girl. Most people see me and judge me as such. And it's the truth. My dad is a doctor. I grew up in a big house in the mountains of Colorado. I was blessed with a college education. I'm lucky. On paper. But, what I never feel like I get to talk about is what it was really like. It's easy to see a pretty picture and pass it over as just a pretty picture rather than ask what lies beneath. So many times we do this with one another. Conversation stays on that easy, comfortable level, instead of submerging to a place where we realize, we really are all the same.

I wonder what Hector thinks of me. Maybe he thinks I've had it easy my whole life. Or maybe he knows the truth which is that none of us have it easy, no matter who we are or where we come from. An old friend once told me, "If we all put our cards on the table, none of us would want to switch hands." Maybe that's why I wasn't scared to ask Hector about his life. I had a feeling we had a lot in common although the exact circumstances under which we grew up couldn't have been more different. Isn't it true that we all experience it all in one way or another? Life. Death. Love. Sex. Intoxication. Sobriety. Family. Wealth. Poverty. Friendship. Beauty. Joy. Depression. Hate. Remorse. Suffering. Anger. Hope. Trust. Betrayal. Envy. Lust. Comfort. Serenity. The list continues... Isn't life a constant experience of passing states where we feel each one of these things sometimes one at a time and sometimes all at once?

So why did Hector and I have to be so different? Why couldn't we just be two human beings, sharing a room, and some company, and some life experience for both of us to pack with us and take on our ways forever? I trusted that if I loved him for being in a gang, he could love me for being a privileged white girl, and somehow our friendship unfolded from there.

Dios bendiga tu camino. A path paved in gold.

I woke up this morning and put on my one and only suit. A suit I never wanted to purchase in the first place, and in fact cried in the dressing room when I tried it on, feeling like the act alone was selling my soul. The bright orange color of the blouse and snake skin heels made me feel a little better, and I'm sure the purchase would not have brought me to tears had my purpose for buying it been in accordance with my heart.

Interesting how sometimes we must realize something a number of times before we actually listen to ourselves and make a change. I went for a hike two weeks before this trip and as I trudged up the hill, I clearly envisioned my future, and it had nothing to do with medical school.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I felt like I didn't even recognize the girl looking back at me, and it wasn't because of the suit. It was my loss of direction and understanding.

So am I just supposed to show up there and tell them I don't want the golden ticket to a bright future? I think so. And does that make me crazy?

With an economy like this and my gender and my age, shouldn't I be thinking about my retirement like the mute man who lost his vocal chords due to cancer wrote on a pad of paper to me, next to his coffee request, while sitting at one of my tables the other day?

Why would I want to live a long life if the majority of it is spent living a lie? And it was this question that somehow allowed me to will myself into the taxi this morning, stumble across the cobble stone parking lot in my uncomfortable heels and constricting skirt, and tell the truth to the two women waiting to take me to my interview.

When the taxi driver dropped me off, I felt comforted when he referred to me as 'senorita.' Somehow that made me feel like there was still hope left. And the huge billboard that we passed on the way with an image of Jesus that said, "Dios bendiga tu camino" calmed my soul for just a minute. Although I would be lying if I said I didn't wonder, just for a second, if this was Gd telling me to suck it up and go to med school. But then the horrifying image of the skinned cadavers I was forced to inhale and examine yesterday flashed through my mind. And although the doctor I would meet with 20 minutes from this moment explained to me very poetically that part of the journey of a doctor is to face the reality of death and embrace the opportunity to get to know the human body, I still knew in my heart that this was somehow wrong.

A delusion. A desire to please my Father, my facebook friends and my deceased Grandfather, seek vengeance upon the ex-boyfriend who wronged me, his wife, and blast my ego to the world that not only am I capable of becoming a doctor, but I can do it in another language.

So there I sat at a round table, across from an accomplished professor/ doctor with a white board full of important facts behind him, in my new suit with an orange blouse. I have to admit admit a part of me thought how nice it would be to have meetings every day in a room with other colleagues. All dressed in suits. How important I would feel.

What would the doctor sitting across the table from me think if he knew I cried when I bought this suit? He probably would have told me I should have taken that as a sign. But when one's own ego is on a mission to prove something, signs, soulful signs, for that matter, seem to take a back seat.

It only took about five minutes for me to tell him my feelings and then it was over. He told me he was glad to meet me and I believed him. Strange how such intimate moments can happen with strangers, strangers you may never see again, yet are the carriers or vessels that receive and absorb your truth, and then send you on your way.

It was a long walk down a short corridor. He sat me down outside the office of the other doctor who was supposed to give me my "official" interview. He wanted to ensure she didn't want to make an exception and go ahead and interview me anyway. You see the interview cost $1500. $1500 I was not ready to pay. But apparently, to Dr. Maria Elena, her time was definitely worth that money, and I understood. I don't know if the interview would have been much of an interview anyway.

I watched longingly as I waited for her to come out of the office and send me on my way, the curvy Latin women, in their heels, with their lipstick and eyeliner, and tight clothes hugging so femininely their rolls of fat, and I felt filled with desire to be like that. I felt like a little girl climbing into her mother's makeup cabinet and playing with her lipstick, only I wasn't climbing anywhere. I was just sitting there day dreaming about what it would be like to someday be a professional. Wishing I could be one. Dr. Maria Elena never came out to interview me and I made my way out of La Universidad Autonoma de Guadalajara making my peace with the women in the suits, walking their yellow brick road.

How is it that I was wearing a suit and heels just like those other women, but they seemed so different? Could it be that behind those desks and under those clothes they feel just like me, only they are smart enough not to listen to their souls? Or are they living their purpose as I am living mine, and somehow we are both bringing clarity to one another as our high heels clop past each other?

Obviously my 3 minutes on the waiting room couch got a little existential, but who could blame a person for having an out of body experience when turning down what most look at as a path paved in gold, to go back to working in a restaurant in LA?

But as I walked through the streets of Tlaquepaque, a pueblo right outside Guadalajara, today with my loyal mother at my side, I couldn't help but start to see the colors again. I admired Constantino, the man who waited on us at lunch in a whole new way, wondering if he too had winced at the thought of a suit. Maybe he is the son of a famous mathematician, or something of the sort, who always encouraged him to become an engineer, or something of the sort. But, instead he, Constantino, has chosen his heart. To me those are the real soldiers. The ones not living for fame or fortune, but for their truth and liberation.

Skinned. In Guadalajara.

I'm sitting in my hotel room in Guadalajara, Mexico right now, reflecting on the past two hours of which may turn out to be the next two years of my life. How does one go about making a life changing decision? When do you know it's right to jump?

Dr. Mike. I think that was his name. Actually, I forgot his name, but I'll never forget his story. A tall, friendly, gray haired man with a pronounced nose and a North Carolina accent was waiting for me outside the door of his Pathology classroom this afternoon. His wedding ring and an underwater camera case for his kids who like to take underwater pictures were the only two character defining items I could pick out. The rest of him- all white. White scrubs, socks and shoes. Head to toe. A whole classroom full of these characters, almost like monks in a monastery.

40 students facing a slide show of T cells and clotted arteries, or something of the sort. A language I have long since forgotten, considering I haven't touched a science book in 3 years. 3 years ago when I decided I was going to follow my heart and stray from the straight and narrow. Now here I am, and my heart says, I want to help people, but I'm not sure this is the best way. I'm scared. That's all I know: my heart.

Formaldehyde. A scent I never thought I would have to endure again after my freshman biology pig dissection. It's not so much the dead body that bothers me, it's that scent. That heavy, pore seeping smell that I can almost taste and gives me the immediate visual of rotting tissue.

Sitting at an outdoor table, with yellow chairs, facing the windows of the library, crowds of medical students surrounding, smoking, complaining, maybe even flirting, but it was hard to tell. Those white uniforms are awfully dehumanizing. And there I sat talking to Dr. Mike.

It was his story that drew me in and left me thinking, maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all... So long as I could find a friend here like him... Someone who seemed to be a little human.

Raised in Panama city. A military brat. The son of a father who told him he couldn't. He couldn't go to college. He couldn't be anything more than a construction worker. So he descended into a life of drugs and alcohol and lived out of his car. The forest ranger who visited him every morning and sometimes brought him a doughnut one day asked him how he was going to get himself out of this situation. Dr. Mike told him he was going to make a million dollars. The forest ranger laughed at him, but Mike had only a dream to hold onto at that point, and why not dream big? Time passed. His experience with construction grew, and he woke up one day at 25 with a wife and kid. And then the next day, he only had a kid. His wife left him. So there he was, a single father with someone else's future in mind. Funny how when we begin to live for someone else, our true power sometimes manifests itself.

So it was then he mastered the art of the construction business. He had 4 of them. And his bank account reached the 1 million mark. But somehow, something was missing. Maybe it was helping others. Maybe it was school that could help him do that he thought, after all, that was all he had ever wanted to do as a kid... So, he began the process of applying. When they asked him about his SAT scores, he couldn't even remember what the SAT was. It had been over 10 years ago that he took the exam. In fact, he wasn't even sure if he took it. Well, when he received an irate phone call from the woman in the University admissions office telling him to get into her office immediately, he assumed, school was out of the question. But, the source of her anger was due to the fact that a person like him, who scored a 1550 on his SAT, wasn't in school earlier. 2 and a half years and a scholarship later, he was graduating with a degree in Microbiology and a wedding ring on his finger to an aspiring writer and English teacher.

His businesses continued to grow, and 1 million dollars in the bank grew to some other number, two more children were born, and it was after a spontaneous trip of luxury to the Poconos with his wife that Dr. Mike realized he was still was unsatisfied. Sure he could pick up at any time, go anywhere and buy anything, but something else was missing. What was it? Fufillment in his job. Giving back to humanity in his every day life. So that's when he sold everything, packed his kids and wife in the car, and moved down to Guadalajara, Mexico with nothing but a trailor in tow to become a doctor. Now, he's almost done with his second year, and says that becoming a doctor and moving to this country was the best decision he ever made.

I couldn't help but ask him if he was a spiritual man. His response was a quick and definite, "Yes. Everyone is on this planet for a reason." And then he plotted out the next 10 years of his life. He will join the air force, have them pay off his medical debt, and then move to Europe to repay his time, becoming a captain, surpassing his father's rank, and then his life will have come full circle.

As much as this story felt like it had a perfect arc, there was a part of it that made me feel like I was in prison. Is this what I have in store for me? Should I just sign my life away and and become a soldier? Is that what becoming a responsible adult is all about? He had a different career before all of this. He clearly has a multifaceted personality, he made it work,. Can I too? Can I make this sacrifice, living in a place without any friends, family, glitz or glamour?

I've preached for so long about how none of that matters, and now here I find myself facing the possibility of selling everything and literally existing as myself, a pair of white scrubs, and a set of books. Part of that sounds liberating, but the other part of it sounds like it could kill me. Kill my spirit. I love color, music, soul. Am I superficial?

So there I was, giving Dr. Mike a hug goodbye, thanking him for his story, and then within the blink of an eye, I was being ushered down a sidewalk lined in cement walls with steel chimney/ vents. One after the other. I knew we were headed for death, just by the walkway. Rounding the corner I could smell the formaldehyde. The 1970s yellow color of the doorway reminded me of a dated horror movie, like Poltergeist, and when I was handed off to the anatomy professor, in the blue smock, and white gloves, with the lazy eye, I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't actually in a horror movie. He almost shook my hand too, even though his hands had most definitely just been inside someone's intestines.

I saw a pair of ankles peaking out of the doorway from which he exited. There must have been some fairly gruesome dissecting going on in there because I watched him consciously decide to take me into the room right next door where only 2 skinned, dead people rested on the table. Organs, teeth and hair. That was all that remained. How strange that the spirit leaves and the body remains. I had no idea where to look. "Should I look in his lazy eye, or his normal eye? There are skinned corpses on either side of me, be tough Sarah, if you're going to be a doctor, you better be able to handle this." These were the thoughts racing through my head as the formaldehyde seeped deeper into my nasal cavity. As he showed me the heart, the stomach and the intestines, I felt myself wanting to puke and say a prayer all at once.

He opened up the body with such ease. He was totally un-phased by the heart. He put everything back carefully when he was done and then touched his forehead when he wished me well and told me he would be my professor in January if I decided to attend the University. I was thankful he touched his forehead. It felt like a spiritual gesture in the midst of what was a horrific ten minute span.

So here I sit, looking out the window of my hotel room in Guadalajara. It's hot out, but the air is so heavy it looks like it's cold. When does one know when to jump? Don't worry, I'm not talking about jumping out of the hotel window, I'm talking about jumping off the proverbial leap of faith cliff. When does one run towards the fear or flee from it? Is my heart aching because I'm abandoning myself or is it because I'm afraid of taking a risk? At least I know one thing for sure, I will not be becoming an anatomy professor any time soon!

Buffalo Creek

A brother and a sister young and free. 2 dreamers. Building. The trees. The pine trees towering above, their needles scattered about. The rushing water separating the two of them. Building a bridge together, not to reach each other, but to reach something. Maybe just the other side.

The empty hammock swings in the breeze behind him. Holes gape from the snow that has recently melted and made the grass 10 different shades of green. The dirt and the grass mix with the water and make a muddy summer smell. The sun cakes and cooks the mud on his shoes.

She sticks her foot in just to see what wet socks feel like in dry shoes. She plunges into the stream. Soaking wet in all her clothes. Now she can conquer the world. She runs up the hill. He watches her from the other side of the wild creek. He looks up to her. She shows off for him, knowing it's only a matter of time before he tires and leaves her alone in the enchanted but lonely and somehow safe forest.

She finds her tree. Her favorite one. With initials from lives past. She is envious. She wants a lover to bring here. To climb into the abandoned tree house with. To build a bridge with. The thunder claps. Lightning is close. She wants to stay in the forest and challenge the fire. Kill me if you must! She exclaims to herself, looking back to see if anyone heard. Now she is a renaissance warrior princess.

And then the moment arrives. He tires. Her brother, not her imaginary lover. Her imaginary lover would never tire. He would fight the lightning fire of the forest with her. But instead the whines of the baby brother bring her out of her dream and back down the hill to the project at hand. The bridge.

He is all wet too. Only he is cold and fearful. Was he wrong to copy his sister? She comforts him. Or at least she knows she should. It's something the world just tells her. Let's pan for gold. But we don't have pans. That's OK, our hands will work. The thunder gets louder. He doesn't know about the danger of lightning and water and trees. She imagines herself as the hero and brings him inside as the rain begins to drizzle on their little muddied bodies.

Caught in the System. On Spring Street.

I’m standing in line at the Metropolitan Court House on Spring St. in downtown Los Angeles; how ironic that a concrete mountain of authoritarian architecture would be on a street called Spring Street - more like Death Street - or Wake Up and Smell the Coffee of Life Street. I am feeling like a complete reject of society, like I want to fight, fist fight maybe, just so that I can unleash my aggression and have something to show for it, even if it is a black eye.

I wonder why all the rest of the people are in this line? They can't be hardened criminals, or else they wouldn't let them freely wait in the line. But, a part of me wishes they were. That would make life more exciting, wouldn't it? Just a little...

I imagine the man in the blue Dodgers’ hat three people in front of me throws me against the wall and passionately kisses me. I like it for a second and then I pull out my Jiu Jitsu and throw him on the ground. The security guard startles me out of my martial arts fantasy when he asks me to remove my belt so I can go through the metal detector. Now I'm a dangerous cowgirl on the run, turning in my guns so I can enter the Court House. - in my imagination, of course.

How have I gotten to this place where I am in debt, lonely and lost? I'm so angry at society. No. Myself. Angry at myself. That's the real truth. I am the only white girl in a line that wraps around seven or eight times. None of the signs are in English. Only Spanish and I feel proud that I can read them. I speak Spanish, so I am not really a stranger.

I admire the beauty of the other women in the line. She wears Michael Jordan red high tops, the woman in front of me. Gold hoops. Glittery acrylic nails. Perfectly styled and swooped hair. Dramatic eyeliner. I feel like a country bumpkin. My outside doesn't match my inside. I wish I looked like her. Her outside matches my inside.

A woman asks who is here for collections and a man yells out, “I'm completely broke, I don't know what they're gonna collect!'” Everyone in the line laughs like they feel his pain. I feel the pain of this line. I am in the same line.

There is one man dressed entirely in camouflage splattered in paint- not blood. Its artist’s acrylics not house paint. He calls his friend (on his Smartphone mind you-- everyone here manages to have a Smartphone) and talks about how he's going to head down to the beach later and sell everything out of his van before he gives it to the mechanic. I get the feeling he won't be picking it up from the mechanic though. I get the feeling that what’s in his van is all he's got left. But then he starts talking about how “there's a chance the sun might make it through the clouds at the beach. He's not depending on it, and he'll go either way. He's not closed to the idea of a little light.” He hangs up and starts to sing scales. He's warming up his voice. Maybe he's going to sing it out after this. Sing the pain out, that is. He may have lost everything today, but like Bob Dylan said, 'He's got everything he needs; he's an artist he don't look back.'

I want to be like him. Instead of feeling so angry that I am 26, alone and in debt, when everyone I know seems to be in a serious relationship and on their way to being everything their parents always thought they would be, I want to remember why art is so important to me. The only vehicle to seek and express human truth.

I look up and I see a man wearing shorts that rest only an inch or two above the tops of his high-tops. I remember a man I once knew that used to wear those shorts. When I first met him I wondered if he just didn't know that they were actually a few sizes too big, not understanding his deliberate style. I think about how I fell in love with him, despite the fact that I thought he looked completely silly. I wonder how silly I looked to him. He probably thought I was a country bumpkin. Maybe he still does. Do we ever feel fully understood, or is mutual understanding just one of the many illusions of life? Is the ultimate goal to just understand ourselves and be fully satisfied alone, as individuals?

My thoughts swirl, but now that I understand them, by writing them down on my Smartphone, I feel less blocked and I've almost made it to the front of the line.

Now I feel like the people around me are my friends. I probably wouldn't throw that guy in the Dodgers’ hat on the ground if he tried to kiss me. Instead I would thank him for waking me up out of myself, just for a minute. Maybe this place should be on Spring Street after all.

What's in a dream? Shani knows.

What's in a dream? The American Dream. We all have one. What did you want to be when you were a kid? What are you most afraid of? Do that. Go for it. Take a leap of faith. Messages I have received and listened to and followed for that matter. Here I sit in LA, 'following my dream' considering myself to be brave, when all the while, what if my life's purpose has been completely superficial?

Shani Cohen. She's 2 years younger than me and is entering her 4th year in the Israeli army. So full of life and joy, she is. The ultimate bad ass. A horse riding, basketball playing, baby sister to three older brothers, multiple ring wearing, long hair shaking, uniform rocking, Ethiopian shoulder dancing, beat dropping kind of girl. Completely in the moment. Her passion for life and people permeates the air around her.

You would never know that at any moment she could be forced to leave everything behind and risk her life for her country. And the most unbelievable part, she would do it. Gladly. Her life has a purpose. To serve her nation, her people, her family.

As we pull into Jerusalem, caked in the dirt of the desert, smelling like the camels we just rode, after crawling through underground caves that the Jews dug to escape the persecution of the Romans, Shani leans across the aisle of our giant tour bus. A tour bus reminiscent of the Polar Express, only it's not a train, it's not a Christmas story and it's filled with wide eyed American young adults, not children, ranging from ages 22 to 26. They are not on a journey to the North Pole, instead they are exploring Israel, looking for some meaning in their lives through a connection to their pasts, the pasts that existed generations before their time on this planet came to be.

She asks me if we can room together. She is one of 5 Israeli soldiers who has been awarded a week vacation from the army to join this group of 49 Americans and teach them about Israel. It is difficult for me to imagine that out of all the interesting people on our trip that she could room with, she picks me! I jump at the opportunity, excited to get to know her and learn about her perspective on life. Never did I expect for her stories and friendship to change my life. Strange how that happens. One conversation with someone can change everything. It can reveal all of our denial and fears and truths in one fell swoop.

After dinner, I brush my teeth and wash my face and round the corner as Shani sits on her bed laughing at the TV. She is watching the MTV show, 'My Sweet Sixteen.' She asks me if people are really like this in LA. I am unsure of how to answer her question... 'Not all people are like that... But, some are.' I tell her.

I find myself feeling shame for a culture to which I don't subscribe, but somehow undeniably belong. She wants to know what it's like living in LA--what my story is... So I tell her. All the while realizing how far away I am from my family, how self centered my pursuit of happiness sounds and how empty such a dream seems when standing next to the dream of a person who actually fights for the existence of their country and their people every day.

The next day I find myself standing next to her in the graveyard of Israel's deceased soldiers at Mount Herzl, the national cemetery in Jerusalem. Story after story of young person who gave their life to a cause greater than their own existence surround me. Shani asks me in a completely honest and somehow jovial way, how many funerals I have been to in my life? I tell her, '5 or 6.' She doesn't respond. I gather that she has been to many more... I realize that all 5 soldiers who stand nearby, including Shani, most likely understand the death of loved ones, and not from old age, on an entirely different level than I. The existence of their country is a question that is raised every day. Living like that causes one to appreciate what they have. Family. Love. Friendship. What else is there really?

I come home to the US to find out that my 70 year old father has to have a hip replacement. My parents are probably moving. An empty apartment and a realization that the people I care most about are the furthest away from me. All I have is my dream and I'm not sure why it is my dream.

So now here I sit. And my stream of consciousness leads me to the acknowledgement that maybe being close to my family is the most important thing. Maybe finding a job where I help others every day is what I should do. Maybe allowing myself to love instead of guarding myself for some future moment is the answer. Maybe following the dream isn't necessarily the most important part, but instead figuring out what it is about my dream that makes it worth the fight.